Congratulations, Pegi!

Lenexa woman honored for parent-support work
By JOE LAMBE
The Kansas City Star

Make no mistake, Pegi Denton of Lenexa is against dropping off troubled teens with the state, as some parents did in Nebraska before it recently changed its safe-haven law.“We don’t have any throwaway kids,” she said.But sometimes, you do have to get their attention.After all else failed decades ago with their 16-year-old son, Denton and her husband put the teenager into a psychiatric ward for months.Today, that boy is grown up and has a good job. He thinks his parents did the right thing for him.“It takes a courageous act of love to put the relationship at risk,” the son said.Amid that turmoil 26 years ago, Denton founded her first parents’ support group, which was an effort to set firm limits for children.Now 76, Denton is national program director for another volunteer group she founded, StandUp Parenting. It has groups in nine states, including three in Johnson County and another in Liberty.If a teen refuses to get out of bed to attend school, he could awake to the clinking cups, saucers and chatter of the “breakfast club” — Denton and friends sitting in the bedroom sipping tea.They tell the offender they plan to watch him sleep, and school suddenly seems like a better option.If a child is causing trouble at home, he might be sent to the home of another member to stay for a while, she said. Typically the troublemaker is polite while in exile and often returns to be better behaved at home.“I think teenagers are delightful when they’re not your own,” she said. “They’re generally good kids. They just have a lot of growing up to do.”One disturbing trend, she said, is that more and more parents in her area groups are not there just for teens. The ages of their children range from 10 to 43 years, and about half are adults.Then you try to support the parents and help them set limits — measures and deadlines that shove older children toward jobs and independence.Denton thinks that support also helps parents in setting rules and sticking to them. When she had trouble with her son, she said, “We just couldn’t follow through with the consequences, because he would start acting good, and then we’d think we were too tough.”Now she and her husband, Mo, also serve on the Juvenile Probation and Review Board, a Johnson County group that advises courts on how to handle youths who violate probation.This woman with three sons, one grandson and one great-grandson just won a Citizen of the Year award from United Community Services of Johnson County and has proved she can help parents and children. Ask her 42-year-old son who went to the psych ward.He declined to give his name because he has a job with a prestigious international group that helps poor children. He’s also done social work with troubled youths and earned two college degrees.But back when he was bad, he said, “I was really on a course of self-destruction.”He did drugs and alcohol routinely, skipped school daily, talked back and ran away.The last time, he ran away for many days after his parents took the door off his room because they thought he smoked marijuana in it. He felt indignant, because he did not smoke pot in his room — he smoked it across the hall, under a vent fan in the bathroom.When he returned home, he and his parents cut a deal. He would go in weekly for counseling.But on the first such trip, his two older brothers rode on each side of him like guards. And when the institution doors shut behind him, he could not open them. He was in the psych ward.“I was looking out through the mesh at them, and my dad was crying,” he said. “That was the first time I saw him cry.”Three months later, he walked out and started going to school again.He still remembers his father’s tears, he said, although he never admitted seeing or caring about them back then.They may have even saved his life, he said. Three of his friends from high school died young, two from drunken-driving accidents and one from a drug overdose.At the funeral for one of them, he said, the dead youth’s mother told him, “I probably should have been tougher on him, like Pegi was with you.”

To reach Joe Lambe, call 816-234-7714 or send e-mail to jlambe@kcstar.com.

Congratulations Pegi!
We at StandUp Parenting are so proud of you – and of course you so richly deserve this outstanding award.

Do you have news about the awards, honors or exploits of Reps, Group Leaders or Members? Please send them to roberta.hegland@standupparenting.org

Cell Phone Battles

So, I’m at a local high school, it’s the end of Back to School Night and I’m putting away my StandUp Parenting display at our table. I whip out my cell phone and place a call to my husband, letting him know I’m on my way home.
Three girls with ‘Volunteer’ tee shirts rush up to me exclaiming, ‘Oooh – no cell phones at school!’ They are shocked – shocked! The crisis was averted when I explained that I wasn’t a student, it was after school, um, really, it’s okay!
In the last few years our local schools – middle and high schools in particular – have developed standards for cell phone usage to combat the cheating, bullying, drugs and porn that are just some of the distractions that cells introduce to class and campus.
And the standards, though they vary from school to school, are tough. One infraction and said cell may end up in the office. Some schools allow the student to retrieve it at the end of the day, others require a parent’s presence.
This should encourage us. Why? Remember the StandUp sheet on motivating early/mid/late teens and adults? One can motivate changes in behavior by requiring you child to earn (or suffer the loss of) a privilege or item. Cell phone rates high on most kids list of ‘wanna haves’.
The encouraging note is this – if schools can take away a student’s phone – so can we. Should you? Will it precipitate a crisis that you’re prepared to handle? Can you afford not to, in the long run? Well that’s a topic that you can explore in your StandUp Parent Support Group. Good Luck!

Making A Moving On Plan For Summer

Summer is upon us – and the wails of ‘Now what?’ can be heard from parents throughout the land. Doesn’t matter if the child in question is 10, 16, 24 or 44, the lack of regular structure can throw us and our kids into a tailspin.
What do we do when our kid is out of school? How should we plan a vacation when our out-of-control child is so disruptive and disagreeable? My kid refuses to get a summer job – now what? We discovered we are living with a vampire – wait! No, just my teen who has developed a pasty complexion from playing countless hours of video/computer games. How do we cut down on this behavior?
Let me throw some ideas your way that have been useful to me and have also been brainstormed by our StandUp Parenting group over the years.
First – I just love the resource cube that we have put together for our group. We’re all on the lookout for summer activities for kids of all ages – this includes adults! Volunteer opportunities, summer job fairs, classes, camps, youth programs at the local park or community center – these all are fair game. The activity you find might be for your StandUp child or yourself. When the behavior of your young person is off the charts taking good care of the rest of the family is just the ticket. Send the ‘other’ kids to camp. Volunteer at camp yourself where the teens actually like you!
Second – I take great comfort in the encouragement of my StandUp friends. We invite one another to family functions, we’ve walked, rode bikes, played croquet and danced together. Wow! Some of our parents have actually developed relationships with our Acting Out Kids and have invited them along on activities, taken them to college searches, invited them into their homes. Young people who have been acting out have been willing to go to the Art Museum, Public Gardens and spend time quilting with groups of StandUp parents. Kids who refuse to get a job are more than happy to do odd jobs for StandUp parents.
Third – Get together in your group and brainstorm using your resource cube, your resource parents and your combined calendars. You’ll be amazed at what you can come up with.
Have a great summer!

Me and my M'bira

So I’m in a marimba band. Why? Keeps the brain cells perking along in my old age. We’re learning a new piece called Ru. Although it was written by a young American, the style is African. The song is introduced and ends with a simple melody played on the m’bira – that’s the instrument I’m holding. As you may have guessed, I volunteered to learn the couple bars of music involved. Sounds easy enough, huh? Wrong!
I’ve already learned a couple of songs on the m’bira and I should have known. Truly, I should have…
To bring you up to speed, the m’bira is played with both thumbs and the right index finger. Except for the far right seven keys, none of the notes are sequential – in other words, they don’t go: do, re, me, fa, etc. More like the chiming of a clock – up, down, up, down. Add to this little list – the songs are, well, African – not Western by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never heard a m’bira song that I’ve recognized.
So how do you learn a m’bira piece? That’s just the question I asked my teacher during my second lesson on Ru. I’d had three weeks to practice and I was still drawing a blank a good deal of the time.
‘Memorize three notes. Practice them over and over and over. Then learn three more. Practice. Put it together. Practice some more.’
I know this! Baby steps! I thought back to the years that I’ve spent in StandUp and realized that I would come away from the group with ideas that didn’t necessarily make a lot of sense at the time. They felt strange. They were hard. And I kept forgetting. But my group encouraged me to take baby steps and keep at it.
My yelling became a quiet response. My arguing became ‘Nevertheless’ or ‘Oh!’ Little by little, step by step, it all began to make sense.
I still depend on my group to help me focus on my goals for the week and continue to make baby steps in new areas. Check out our website in the sidebar and join us, won’t you?

Meanest Mom?

'Meanest mom on planet' sells son's car
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) – Jane Hambleton has dubbed herself the "meanest mom on the planet."
After finding alcohol in her son's car, she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old's misdeed with everyone -- by placing an ad in the local newspaper.
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Read the rest of this great interview here:
'Meanest mom on the planet' places ad explaining son's goof / QCTimes.com
This news release gave us plenty to talk about this week in just about every place that I’ve spent time – church, gym and StandUp Parenting Support Group. Everyone – and I mean everyone thought the woman should be given a medal.
The second comment was, hey girl, we thought you were the meanest mom on the planet. Well, just for the record, I merely called myself a mean mom. Mind you, I did claim, when my kids were in elementary school, that I had attended Mean Mom College and graduated at the top of my class.
It all started when we had a couple of challenging foster boys who began to accuse me of being a Mean Mom. Cut me to the heart. For awhile. Then I began to take a new tack – ‘Oh, thank you!’ I’d exclaim, wiping an imaginary tear from my eye. 'I worked so hard in Mean Mom College. It’s working!’
That response brought the accusations to an immediate standstill. After all, how do you respond to agreement from Mom?
Back to Jane Hambleton – I notice that she stated two simple rules about the car for her son. I also noticed that when her son broke one of those rules she didn’t accuse him, argue with him or warn him. She took action. Wow! I'm impressed. Easier said than done.
Could I do that? Should I? When? How?
Come on down to your local StandUp Parent group (or request a six week class), and get the support you need to take the action you want to take this week.

New Years Progress Through Journaling

Are you going through a particularly rough patch in your life? Not just because of your Acting Out Kid – perhaps health issues, relationships or job stress is impinging on your ability to cope with daily life. In addition to the ideas and support I found in my StandUp Parenting support group, I started journaling.
Scientific research has proven the health benefits of journaling. When you journal you:
- decrease the symptoms of many health conditions including asthma and arthritis.
- Improve cognitive functioning
- Strengthen your immune system
- Work against the stress in your life.
http://stress.about.com/od/generaltechniques/p/profilejournal.htm
How did I start journaling? I got myself a notebook (big or little – anything that I like and will use works for me now). With an ornery teen and young adult in my life, I made sure it was something I could squirrel away from prying eyes - I had a locking file cabinet that I could use as well. A friend uses his computer to set up a journaling file and I sometimes email myself my thoughts each day (I make sure my files are password protected).
I wrote. At least a sentence. At least once a day. My feelings, my fears, my hopes and dreams. I wrote about my past – childhood, marriage, education, job. I wrote prayers. I love to include inspirational bits I pick up here and there. At times I'd just list the things I'm thankful for. Thinking about the positives in my life can brings balance to my perception of my experiences.
When I combine my journaling with Group Educational Activities such as the Fantasy Family and Who Is In Charge?, I've found that I have a powerful method for change in my life.
So begin the New Year with baby steps towards health and healing - get back to your StandUp meetings and find ideas that will work for you.

Domestic Violence

I recently sat at a booth in the middle of Main Street in a far flung suburb in Oregon. The event was a Domestic Violence Candlelight Vigil. Why would StandUp Parenting set up shop here?
It’s true that probably about a third of the parents in our local support group were either abused as a child by a parent, or as an adult, by a partner. For most, it was in the hazy past with a parent or partner who no longer figures in their lives. The effects may live on, though.
Some are still living in or affected by abusive relationships with either partner or parent. This, of course, affects the parent’s relationships with their teen or young adult.
The majority of our local parents have suffered verbal abuse by the tongues of their children, young or old. A large portion of these have suffered physical intimidation, threats or abuse at the hands of their kids.
Often caseworkers, therapists, teachers and law enforcement officers just don’t understand our predicament. Most cities and states have quite clear laws about partner violence, or the violence of a parent toward a child. There are few such laws protecting parents from abusive children.
The great thing about our StandUp Parenting groups is the hope and help they can give folks in this very situation. Does the idea of support in your situation give you hope? Join us! Click the StandUp Parenting link at the right to find a group near you.

The Home School Dilemma

Our StandUp Parents come from many different backgrounds and traditions. It has not been uncommon to have homes school families join our group with out of control teens. They can no longer pull off teaching and keeping a lid on the constant anger at home. We’ve brainstormed and come up with many different directions a parent can try: Home school co-op, sending a kid to public or private school part or full time. If they’re old enough, letting them go directly to the local community college to attend high school completion or GED classes. Some teens go directly to work.
A new trend we’ve observed on the West Coast runs in the opposite direction. High school students, doing well academically and okay socially
become frustrated with teachers or a particular social situation. Rather than refusing to go to school and subsequently dropping out, these kids are demanding to be home schooled.
Parents who have never even considered home schooling are hit hard by their student’s announcement. What to do? Brainstorming with your group to see what others have done is your best bet. Also consider that this isn’t the end of the world! Your kid still wants an education. Home schooling is so prevalent around the country that most schools have a contingency plan for these kids. There are lots of curricula available. Online schools, home school support groups and resource centers abound.
As you come up with a plan with your StandUp group, recall the advice given by Love and Logic’s Cline and Fay – who is holding the units of concern in this situation? Your kid wants to be home schooled? Let him/her do the legwork. Let them find the programs available, the prices, what fits in your family budget. Let them contact school personnel about the change in their plans, get the forms, filled them out as much as they can.
The more your teen does, the more they will own the process. Will they follow through? Perhaps. Will they fail? Perhaps. Will they succeed? Perhaps. No hard and fast answers here, folks – just food for thought.
If you’re new to this kind of teen difficulty, check out our link to the StandUp Parenting web site and look for a group in your area to get the support you need. We’ll be looking for you!

Prepare for the Holidays

Granted, we’ve just gotten our kids back to school, but the holidays are sneaking up on us. And life with Acting Out Kids, no matter the age, gets even more complicated during those family events. Now is the time to start laying a plan.
Think about the holidays your family might normally celebrate.
*Halloween
*Thanksgiving
*Hanukkah
*Christmas
*New Year
*Add Your Own
It is well known that when our children are young, the change in schedule that holidays bring causes our children to test their boundaries. It is as though they have forgotten all the rules or just decide to challenge them.
As our kids grow older, expectations shift – but the Acting Out Kid gets harder to live with, rather than maturing into the family dynamic. Time to decide on your boundaries and make a plan.
-What are your typical problems? What has happened with your challenging child in the past that makes you dread this holiday?
-Why do you celebrate? Is this holiday one you love? Can you avoid it? Can you celebrate it with others? (At other’s home, school, church, the mall?)
- What is your budget? Set one and stick to it! Start the adult habit of giving modest tokens of your affection. Encourage your kids to do the same. Resolve to spend X amount on food/gift/travel.
- What is the ‘feeling’ you are going for? Remember, we are unlikely to get ‘warm and fuzzy’ from our disgruntled kids.
One Mom suggested her out of control son (no longer living at home) meet the family at church on Christmas, and then they would exchange gifts while enjoying a meal at a local restaurant. We celebrated Thanksgiving at church since many in our group had Acting Out Kids. We had a lovely time, without the stress and drama that we would have had at home. You could also try the Lura’s Holiday Captain Method. Let each family member decide which holiday they love the most. That person then chairs the committee for making that holiday ‘happen’ (parents still control the budget and boundaries). The disgruntled, perfectionistic kid may become much less so when he/she is in charge.
So, get your gray cells working on the holidays. And get yourself to your local StandUp Parenting support group where you can get more ideas and help to make your plan happen.

Oxygen

If you've ever flown on a commercial airline, the flight protocol and emergency proceedures are surely stuck in your brain. Seatbelts on. Tray in the upright position. Lightstrips running the floor of the cabin. Your seat can be used as a flotation device. And those oxygen masks: they'll drop down automatically, you place yours over you nose and mouth and secure the elastic, then you help your neighbor or child secure their mask's.
Take care of yourself first!
You can't help someone else if you are struggling for air - you'll both end up passing out. If we are exhausted and our resources drained, we are in no position to be effective helpers for our friends or family.
Parents who are newly arrived in our StandUp Parenting support groups are often exhausted shadows of their original selves. They have been in crisis mode for days, weeks and, sometimes, years.
Is this you?
Have you worked hard to get your kids good nutrition, counseling and education? Have you struggled to make sure they have their health needs met, are up to date on their inocculations and get enough sleep?
Can you say the same for yourself?
You've been through a harrowing time - have you gotten counseling, just for you? When was the last time you saw a doctor? Are you up to date on your routine screenings - mammogram or prostate? Are you getting exercise? Balanced and regular meals?
Remember - when you take care of yourself you are modeling good self-care to your children. You are also telling them that you value yourself.
Do these things seem hard to do? You are exhausted, after all. Consider joining a StandUp parent support group. Not only will you get ideas to deal with your family problems, you will also find ideas and support to take care of yourself. You're worth it!

Making Changes

You're ready to make changes in your life and family - how do you go about this? How do you get success - this time?
Support is the answer. As usual, I'll recommend a StandUp Parenting support group - it has sure worked for me over the years. But also, identify those people in your life that will back up the considered choices you are making. A relative, friend, teacher, or grocery checker. At church, the gym or your coffee shop - it doesn't matter. Be on the lookout for those who share your heartache and frustrations and will build you up - not tear you down.
Then compile your phone list. If you're part of a parent support group, you'll be given one. And call. When you've just blown your goal, call a like minded friend. When you don't know what to do next call again. Drop by the gym, coffee shop or store and look up your support folks. Listen to them and give back, as well.
The flip side of support, though, are the nay-sayers. Those who think you're making bad decisions, you're being mean or can't/shouldn't change. Learn to disengage with these folks over your parenting issues. Change the subject, when possible. Listen, but stay neutral. If they insist on verbally pounding you, consider how you might minimize contact. Not always possible, but do what you can to protect yourself.
Get support for change and growth. You can do it!

Let the Wind Blow

Please check out our new Books We Love section on the sidebar - we'll add our favorites as we go. Parenting Teens With Love and Logic is a hands down winner. It falls under the category of 'modern wisdom'. At our StandUp Parenting parent support groups we make use of a wide array of information. Some of it is cutting edge, but some is ancient. The amazing thing is how it all dovetails and blends together.
Today's quote is a bit of older, though not ancient, wisdom:
"Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much."
John Wayne
Those who have acting out kids of any age are aware of their ability to get us engaged - in arguments, in attempts to help/solve/suggest/advise them in their daily trauma dramas. As the book of Job says, 'The speech of a despairing man is wind." (Job 6:26) It's mostly the hot air of venting. And, it will blow over. That is, if we shut our own mouths.
Enter Parenting Teens With Love and Logic - there you will find great recommendations for keeping your speach to a minimum. Better yet, log on to the StandUp Parenting website (use the link to the right), find a parent support group in your area, and get some help putting 'low and slow' into practice!

Home Alone

How old does a mom have to be before she gets to be 'home alone'? To what lengths will she go to be home alone?
Well, one mom in Sicily wanted to find out. She hauled her 61 year old son to the police station after taking away his house keys and refusing to hand over his allowance. His crime? Out past curfew! See Yahoo news story. How many of us are in similar situations, though? Our kids may be 17, 23 or 35, but somehow they manage to just stay. We have plenty of reasons why they need to be with us - can't get a job, keep a job, had a rough childhood, learning disabilities - and the list goes on.
The longer our kids live with us, though, the weaker and more dependent they become. We're doing our offspring no favors by giving them extended shelter - beyond the occasional emergency.
Ask yourself, can my kid make it on his/her own? Do they currently contribute to the household in a meaningful way? Have they gotten more helpful over time?
Interested in moving your son or daughter into independence in a healthy way? Would you like help? Check the sidebar and click on the StandUp Parenting link to find a parent support group near you - StandUp for yourself and let other parents StandUp for you!

Purpose of Posting

This site can be a place where StandUp Parents can discuss issues with getting support, can express feelings and frustrations and joys of parenting adolescents, teens, and adult children.

Have you been in situations where you feel the family is out of control? You thought you knew how your family behaved, but were thrown for a loop? How do you recover from a call from the police? A report from the school counselor that your child has been suspended? Your child not coming home from school... for the night?

This has been my reality. I sought support and I found it. I found it in a weekly meeting of other StandUp Parents. We care about our kids. We want to have a healthy relationship with them, and we want to raise them to be responsible adults. We also want to survive the rearing of our kids!

Welcome to the StandUp world!